Holiday Harmony: A Collaboration

As this holiday season is, or is about to be, in full swing, I collaborated with two amazing humans (Betsy and a friend) for a Holiday Harmony Go-To List. We hope this list will be helpful for real and deeper connection, especially with someone we love of a different generation, perspective or identity . (think: your grandma, your grandchild, your uncle, niece, non-binary or trans relative).

Family gatherings are part of the season for many people, and can be full of great fun. And can also be full of anxiety, expectations, hurt feelings, line-crossing, angst…and more. Since the dawn of time, worry about “this future generation” is a topic of conversation. Skepticism and perhaps a little disdain toward the “other” generation is also a reality. Think of how the Gen X person has thoughts about Gen Z’s. And Gen Z’s have serious problems with the Millenials. And so it goes...you get what I'm saying, right? Boomers, you are included in this too, of course. Each of us, lumped into one category or another. In some situations this is helpful. But not always.

So, a bit about these two collaboration partners Both are twenty-something year olds. Both identify as non-binary (a beautiful blend of genders) and queer (attracted to humans: male/female/non-binary/transgender). One young adult is out to their family. The other young adult is not out to their family. Our list of ideas intentionally includes these perspectives.

Our list is based on a basic assumption: we all desire connection. Real CONNECTION!

And there can be many opportunities for connection during holiday gatherings. And, it is also ripe with opportunity for deeper divisions. So here it is:

Some Ideas for Holiday Harmony and Connection

1. Pre-Think and Prepare (…your mind, body and spirit that is…)

Take some time to check in with yourself. How are you feeling? What are your expectations? Hopes? Worries? Surface whatever is going on inside of you before you gather with loved ones. We all have stuff. It’s ok. Take some time and give your own self some attention and love. This will help you ground as you enter into the holiday action.

2. Breathe

Breathing is the infinite, free gift at the ready. And yet, so often we forget. So this is a reminder and invitation to BREATHE…mindfully and fully. Fill your lungs. Breathe down into or from your diaphragm. Calm your thoughts, tap into your sensations and breathe. Regularly. Often. Deeply.

3. Communicate Beforehand

Check in with your beloveds. As a parent of a non-binary, queer young adult (or however they identify) ask what is helpful. "How can I be an ally?" "Do you want me to tell people your preferred pronouns?" "Is it helpful for me to be a silent ally?" "How can I support you?" Be curious. And brave a conversation before you enter into the festivities.

4. Don’t drink too much

This is a universal suggestion. Food and drink flow generously at a lot celebrations. And some of us can get carried away with the festive atmosphere. (I including myself with this suggestion...going overboard!) Or feel the need lessen stress or social anxiety. Yet, too much holiday yule can lead to holiday fuel…for all sorts of things…and this does not help in the goal of real connection.

5. Ask Permission

It's a learning curve, as so many things are. And that’s ok. Whether technology, climate change, sexual and gender identity, preferred pronouns or you name it! There are new things to learn all the time. But ask permission and check in with your loved one as you are connecting. So asking permission with a question like, "Is it ok to talk about gender?" are helpful ways to be sensitive. If the answer is yes, then being mindful of and attuned to how they may be feeling. And listen with curiosity. If the answer is no, that's ok. It’s not their job to educate. That's where google comes in handy.

6. Keep Your Opinions to Yourself

We are divided enough. Sharing political opinions, or thoughts on abortion, sexuality, gender, religion, money and other hot topics are deeply nuanced. Let's remember to be extremely sensitive with our words, and keep those on the margins in mind. Power dynamics are everywhere. You may have an opinion (we all do). And you may also have a beloved who has not told you fully who they are.

Micro-aggressions (indirect, subtle, or unintentional discrimination against members of a marginalized group) are real. And they hurt. They wound. And they divide. And they make loved ones feel unsafe and unseen. Please keep in mind what you hope for: Is it Connection or Rightness? We are all loved by God, just as we are.

If you are a person who has no ally at your family gatherings, please know you are not alone. There is a wider community of support with you in spirit. Take time out as you need for breathing, re-grounding and text or snap a trusted friend for support. (you can eve ask your friend for this before you go..."Can I text you for a little thumbs up or support during my gathering?")

7. A Thought for Parents of Young Adults

I know as a parents, it can be so exciting for our kids to come home! But the reality is, not all feel like "home" is here anymore in the same way we, as parents, do. They may feel more “at home” where they live. And that is hard to swallow. Processing all those feelings, thoughts and emotions is super important all along the way, but especially during the holidays. There are layers to this, indeed. But complexities and layers don’t take away the love, and they don’t need to take away real and meaningful connection.

Keep in mind: Young adults are changing. They transform from teenagers to independent humans. And “coming home” may feel a little isolating and challenging. And that’s ok. Life is a process. And growth is good. And there are indeed, growing pains. Don’t take things too personally. Offer spaciousness, softened agendas, sleep, and yes…food. It’s all ok, and it’s going to be ok.

8. A Thought for Young Adults

Remember, your people (parents, family) love you. They may not know or understand everything, obviously. And they may be operating out of a sense of fear and protection. They come by it honestly, after all a parent is charged from the get-go with literally keeping you alive (a.k.a every mom). Hopefully, with most of your families, intentions are good, though admittedly frustrating. It's ok to feel your feelings. Thank you for your patience and grace. And brainstorm ways to connect and clearly communicate rather than dwelling in a righteous anger. Channel the love. The bigger picture.

9. For the Lonely and Hurt and Misunderstood

For our unnamed friend who we collaborated with who is not able to be their full self with their family…for those who are all alone, for those who are in unsafe family situations, for those whose basic needs are unmet, for those who are grieving…please know you are loved. You are valued. You are you, uniquely, importantly beautiful you. And our energy and love is sent your way today and always.

Wishing you and yours a truly joyful holiday season with lots of great moments of real connection...showers of grace...and lots of fun.

With Love and Light,

Molly

(and special thank you to my partners in this; Betsy and Friend )